Amy Coney Barrett Hosts Judge Jackson’s Welcome Party

Welcome to your party, Judge Jackson! It’s me, the habeas corpus hostess, Judge Coney Barrett, and I was thrilled and obligated to throw this party for you. Motion to move forward? Great. So here’s my opening argument for this fun party: I can’t see a color. In fact, ever since my Kappa Delta sisters and I drank elderberry schnapps and sacrificial deer blood in a ritual, I only see one color: periwinkle. Isn’t it darling? I love my KD sisters. Except for the most recent ones who started a petition and collected thousands of signatures to let everyone know they hate me. College, right? I miss it. Oh, and just FYI, there’s really only one Supreme C. edict to follow. To quote the Honorable Chief Justice Roberts, “If this nightmarish fortress is shaking, don’t come assemble.” This applies to us and also to the general public. It just means don’t try to get in or out of this building. The eight-foot non-scalable fence certainly helps!

OK, let’s approach the snack table. I wasn’t sure what finger foods you liked, so I stuck with the tried and true ones: spoonfuls of yeast, powdered egg lollies, and formula that I’ve been hoarding since the late 80s. Judge Kavanaugh served shots of Rohypnol jello at my welcome party, so for this event I did a very Coney Barrett take on them. Here, tilt your head back, it’s like shooting a jello shot, except it vamps the goo from an expired Easter Peep. Spicy, right? Judge Gorsuch adores them. He’s ardently against court packing, but great for packing a lot of Peeps down his throat.

If it pleases the Court, I would like to darkly discuss party music. I asked Mary J. Blige if she wanted to sing at this party, because who doesn’t love Mary J. Blige? Unfortunately, Mary said she’d like to sing for you, Elena and Sonia, but she told me I needed to “put my soul into a Mrs. Maytag and run it on ‘extra-dirty.’ But never fear. I made a playlist called “Amay’s Partay Mix,” and yes, you guessed it – it’s unsettling, even if it sets the tone for your welcome gift. Y, open it! It’s a burlap nightgown. Judge Alito made me find this out. Justice Jackson, if you don’t like your new nightie, I’m gonna have to despise you! You don’t you just haven’t slept until you’ve buttoned yourself up in one of those big bags.

Next on the list: some classic board games from the Supreme Court. First, spin the hammer. Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve kisses, just wishful thinking about who on the bench will die first. Judge Sotomayor really gets into it. She is definitely our best hammer thrower. Spin the Gavel is usually followed by Do We Miss You? The answer is still no, because we spend too much time together and these dresses don’t breathe. Next, we play a few rounds of Which Pervert? We pull big no-no allegations out of the hat and try to guess whether each can be attributed to Judge Kavanaugh or Judge Thomas. It gets super tricky because they’re both evil.

Welp, looks like it’s time for some horrible gossip. So, Ke-tan-jay, you were a public defender. Wowzers. I haven’t had a public defender in these chambers since Thurgood Marshall. If it makes you feel better, someone like me also ruined their welcome party. Man, if only I could crack open a bottle of Gerber’s 1989 newborn formula—the good stuff—and pick out your two public defender brains. I would have so many questions! Well, actually, just one: do poor people smell different?

I heard you don’t like coercion of defendants, which is savage, because that’s, like, one of my favorite parts of the justice system. We’re like the next Scalia-Ginsburg – it’s gonna be awesome. No, but actually we have a lot in common. Like how your parents overcame segregation and dedicated their lives to a fair education and how my parents overcame nothing and dedicated their lives to ensuring the oil companies could legally continue to contaminate the ocean. We are both carrying on our family’s legacy! Oh, you wanna leave the party now? OK, just a second. I still haven’t given you the welcome card that we all signed. It’s here. Haha, yes that is a ne-exeat order, which, as you know, Justice, means that you are bound to remain under the jurisdiction of this shitty party, until, one by one, we all die. And – sorry for “fame” that – we will live forever! ♦

Joseph K. Bennett